Go to heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.
Every one is a moon and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn’t.
I never write Metropolis for seven cents because I can get the same price for city. I never write policeman because I can get the same money for cop.
The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.
Though love seems the fastest of all growths, it is really the slowest. No man or woman knows what perfect love is, until they have been married a quarter of a century.
In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He made School Boards.
Ingersoll's story of the man that went down from heaven on a reduced-rate excursion ticket good for 30 days --- and tried to sell his return ticket.
When one reads Bibles, one is less surprised at what the Deity knows than at what he doesn't know.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteencenturies, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?（From Jane Lampton Clemens）
There was never a century nor a country that was short of experts who knew the Deity's mind and were willing to reveal it.
India has 2,000,000 gods, and worships them all. In religion other countries are paupers; India is the only millionaire.
What a fool old Adam was. Had everything his own way; had succeeded in gaining the love of the best looking girl in the neighborhood, but yet unsatisfied with his conquest he had to eat a miserable little apple.
Prophesying was the only human art that couldn't be improved by practice.
A malignant book would hurt nobody but the fool who wrote it.
Necessity knows no law.
Principles is another name for prejudice.
Fame is vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself, and cut his throat if his theology isn't straight.